New Year New Start

This time last year I had a serious depressive episode and had to move back in with my parents for several weeks until I was better. While what I went through was not as bad as what some mentally ill people have been through, it was one of the hardest things I personally have been through. I can't really remember how bad it was because that's one of the functions of being a lot better now. But I just found this mindfulness colouring book thingy I was using at the time. I had been a bit scornful of those before but one of the GPs I saw said why don't you try this as a way to pass the endless and never ending hours that never end, to try and wait this out, and it did kind of work as a neutral thing to concentrate on rather than thinking the dark thoughts.

They are pretty and I like them, but looking at them now gives me a weird feeling that's probably the closest I can get now to feeling like I did back then.


The depressive episode was because I was switching to a new medication, one that had been selected for me after a psychologist's assessment instead of a GP guessing. Once I had got over the hard start, 2018 was the first year where I really felt 'well, I can start moving on with life now'. I was depressed since age 12, which is when I started to realise I was always tired no matter how much I slept. It runs in my family. Being better after all this time is a big deal, even though on the outside I may not seem any different to most people.


2017 was one of the worst years I've ever had for my mental health. I was on a medication that wasn't working at all, but I didn't really realise this. I thought all my thoughts of being the worst, most awful person in the universe were really true and what I deserved. It was a vicious cycle- I had thoughts about being the most awful person, and then I assumed those thoughts were appropriate because I was indeed the most awful person, and that in fact my thoughts were really a sign that I really was the most awful person, it never ended. Oh yeah and after all that I'd get on at myself for being self centred in thinking I was the most awful person!


It's truly delightful to be free of that cycle and all the other ones I had going on. I originally made this blog in 2017 because I thought writing in it about media I loved/had thoughts about might help me feel a bit less shit. Stuff like books, games, movies etc. I kept writing blog posts in my head, and replaying the Ace Attorney games over and over was one of the only things that made me feel the slighest bit OK so I planned a tonne of posts about them in particular. But it turned out I wasn't very good at writing- I ramble on, get derailed, start hating what I've done halfway through and start again and never finish anything. Worst of I'm terrible at motivating myself to start writing in the first place. So all that added up to me leaving the blog inactive.


But! I want to start again, and not overthink it re: subject matter, just write whatever the hell I feel like. I spent a lot of time adjusting my personality to suit people around me, especially people who I would have called my friends, and I'm only just learning to not do that! So I feel it is time to celebrate the person I really am, underneath, and not worry.


So let me introduce myself! I'm E, short for Esther, short for Aesther (not really).

Also here is me doing a face because I realised I started doing way less faces after I got my short hair cut (I always used to do weird faces in pictures, it was my thing).

The thinking face is how you know I have deep thoughts! See you soon. Love you. <3